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Maggie: Oh Jason, don't you have a tissue? For me.
Mike: I thought you guys said that Julie and I were rushing into this.
Julie: Where'd you get an idea like that?
Priest: Dearly beloved...
Mike: I do.
Priest: ...we are gathered together today, to witness the marriage of Julie Lin Costello and
Michael Aaron Seaver.
Boner: Yeah!!!
Priest: Marriage is an honourable state, and as such, should not be entered into lightly, so, if
anyone has just cause why this couple should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your
peace.
Congregation: I do!! I do!!
Priest: Tough room. I'm sure these God fearing people would dummy up if you'd give them
one good reason why you two are getting married.
Congregation: (shouting in protest to the wedding)
Julie: Well yeah, I'm curious too.
Mike: Ah...well...err...
Julie: Mike!
Mike: Err...err... (Mike wakes up from his dream) I love you! I love you!
Carol: Ha! You disgust me!
Carol: This is the thanks I get for addressing two hundred stinking wedding invitations.
Mike: Look Carol, I said I was sorry, alright?
Carol: Ha!
Mike: Carol, I mean, what guy in their right mind would want to grab you, anyway? Hey Wait!
Carol! I'm sorry, alright? I'm just kind o' spaced out here; I didn't get much sleep last night. I
don't know why, I had this wild dream about me and Julie.
Carol: Mike, please, I just lived that disgusting dream; I don't need to hear about it.
Mike: Wait a minute, Carol. These invitations are all wrong.
Carol: That's what Mom and Dad have been saying for months.
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. Look, right here- "as Julie and Mike celebrate the beginning of their life
together." It should be- "lives together." Hey, I mean, I got that wrong on an English paper.
Carol: Mike, I applaud your flash of literacy, but you're missing the point. You and Julie are
starting "a" life together...one life, get it?
Mike: Yeah, so which one of us is losing our life?
Maggie: Wow, you got all the invitations done.
Mike: Mom, look, I am not in the mood to hear, one more time, all of your sensible reasons
why Julie and I should wait.
Maggie: So, you admit, they're sensible reasons?
Mike: Mom, you're missing the key idea here.
Maggie: Mike, I'm sorry, you're right. Like I promised last week, and several times before that,
no more negativity. From this day forward, I'll embrace your marriage with gusto.
Mike: Mom, you make it sound like a beer commercial.
Maggie: I just want to make this the best gang wedding you'll ever have.
Mike: Mom, it's the only "gang" wedding I'll ever have.
Maggie: Honey, would you like me to lick your envelopes for you?
Mike: Mom, look, you don't have to pretend that much.
Maggie: Yes I do.
Mike: Mom, it's...it's not like we haven't thought about this.
Maggie: Honey, you don't have to go through all that again; I know how you feel, because
twenty years ago, I was you. Your dad was Julie, my mom was me, Grandpa Ed was... Gosh,
I'm starting to sound like my mother.
Mike: No, Mom, Mom, keep going. You were real near making a point...weren't ya?
Maggie: Yes. Mike, you're not getting married to please us; you're getting married because
this is something you want to do, and you know all the reasons why.
Mike: I do.
Maggie: But if you have any doubts, don't be too...
Mike: I have none! I have none! I'm very confident and extremely happy!
Maggie: And I'm bubbling for you. Mike, honey, don't forget your stinking invitations.
"Stinking" was wrong.
Mike: Hey Dad, you know sometimes Mom makes me nuts.
Jason: Hey, I never said this, OK? Tell me about it.
Mike: Yeah, I mean, when is she finally gonna understand that I am a capable, mature adult,
ready to stand on my own two feet. Can I borrow fifty Bucks?
Jason: For what?
Mike: Well, for stamps, for the invitations.
Jason: Alright, for old time's sake.
Mike: Thanks.
Jason: Mike, I know what's upsetting your Mom.
Mike: Dad, look, I did not ask her for a Dime.
Jason: No, but what day is this?
Mike: Saturday.
Jason: And what's under your arm?
Mike: Hair.
Jason: Mike, it's the wedding invitations! You're mailing them out today!!
Mike: Right!
Jason: For your mother that represents the point of no return.
Mike: Oh, well I never thought of it that way.
Jason: No, no of course you didn't Mike. That's because you've been sure about this thing all
along. For your mom, Mike, well...let's just say it's gonna take her some time. As for me Mike,
I'm with you, OK? And that's because twenty years ago, I was you. And your Mom was Julie,
and her mom was your mom, and my father was... I'm starting to sound like my
mother-in-law.
Mike: Hey Dad, look, can I ask you something?
Jason: Mmm.
Mike: Well, OK, it's about the wedding... Well see...errm...Julie and I have to...to write up our
wedding vows, you know and...and...we have to put into words, all the reasons why we're
getting married, and there’s just so many of the darn things that...that I'd like your help in
narrowing them down. I mean, Dad, let's face it, you are a dynamite narrow-downer.
Jason: Well thank you. OK. Well let's go over the reasons.
Mike: Oh, right, well I love her. And...and...and....err all the same reasons why you married
Mom.
Jason: Oh, Mike, Mike, I...I just couldn't imagine spending another day without her. I mean
from the moment that I proposed, right up until this instant Mike, I've never had any doubt
that your mother was the only one for me.
Mike: Never a doubt? Not one? This is Mom we're talking about.
Jason: Ah, come on! I had cold feet, just like you're having now, and don't you deny it. But
that's...err...not the same as doubt, Mike, that's normal...it's required.
Mike: Really?
Jason: Mmm.
Mike: Well then, what did you do to get over the cold feet?
Jason: Oh, it's a little different for everybody. I think for me it was a song- "Is it in her face?
Oh, no, that's just her charm. In her warm embrace? No, no, that's just her arm. If you wanna
know, if she loves you so, it's in her kiss, that's where it is. Shoop shoop."
Mike: And that's what got you through?
Jason: Hey, I got the record upstairs.
Mike: No, Dad, it's OK, I'll listen to it later, Ok! I got lots of wedding stuff to do, and I'm late
now and...heck Dad, just listening to that song my cold feet are warming right up.
Jason: Shoop shoop.
Julie: Mike, I didn't expect you... Gee, what was that for?
Mike: I just want you to know, that I cannot imagine spending another day of my life without
you.
Julie: Oh.
Mike: And I mean that I am as sure of that as I was, the day that I proposed to you.
Julie: Well, I don't know what to say.
Mike: You don't have to say anything. Let's just sit down right here, and just be happy about
the fact that we are getting married...ahh. Got to go!
Julie: What do you mean, you gotta go? Why'd you come over?
Mike: Oh, oh, right, the invitations! I wanted you to look at the invitations before I send 'em
out. See! Gotta go!
Julie: Mike!
Mike: Lots to do, Julie. Look, I have to get my tuxedo, and I'm meeting you and the minister
at one o' clock. Plus, I gotta get stamps, and lick 'em all by myself.
Julie: You are so sweet, and so dependable, and so sexy, and so mature.
Mike: Alright, Carol addressed 'em, I didn't.
Julie: Before you go, one last kiss?
Mike: I'll see you. Julie, I am scared out of my mind, I mean, I don't know if this is just cold
feet, or what? I am not sure about...anything. Real mature, Mike. Real mature.
Mike: Hey, look, I don't like this one either.
Tailor: You've tried on forty, son. What's wrong with this one?
Mike: I don't know...it's the lapels.
Tailor: No problem. How's the crotch?
Mike: Fine, fine.
Tailor: In the long run, son, it'd be cheaper if you'd buy the tuxedo and rent the wife!!
Mike: Sir, are you married?
Tailor: Na. For the past fifty six years, I've been waiting for the right gal to walk through that
door.
Mike: But, isn't this a men's store?
Tailor: My God, I've wasted my life! No, to tell you the truth, I am married...to the same
woman for forty five years.
Mike: And...and why did you two get married?
