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Carol: Is that the mail man? Was that the mail man leaving?
Mike: What! Not even a hello, for your dear sweet brother?
Carol: Hello! Was that the mail man leaving?
Mike: Carol, your lack in sincerity wounds me.
Carol: Mike, where's the stinking mail?
Mike: It's right over there on the counter!
Carol: It's not here again! It's not here!
Mike: Well don't worry, Carol. Maybe tomorrow you'll get that letter from err...a hundred and
sixteenth on Broadway, New York City, One double O two seven.
Carol: You have it.
Mike: A lot of women say that.
Carol: Mike, give me my letter from Columbia!
Mike: Wait, you mean Columbia School of Broadcasting? Not affiliated with the CBS network or
its own unoperated stations!
Carol: Where's the letter, head louse?
Mike: Oh, you're talking about Columbia University! The only college that you applied to! The
place you have your over-worked heart set on, right?
Carol: I'm getting a knife!
Mike: OK, OK. OK, what if I have seen this alleged letter...
Carol: Thick or thin?
Mike: You or the letter?
Carol: Mike! Was the letter thin, like a thanks but no thanks rejection, or thick, like we'll see
you in the fall acceptance? Ha!
Mike: What, not even a thank you?
Carol: Thank goodness; thick like your head, like an acceptance to a real school. Wanna smell
it Mike, I mean this is the closest you'll get to the Ivy League. (Reading from the letter)
"Welcome, Carol Seaver, to the Columbia University Class of nineteen ninety three and a half.
Your freshman orientation begins December twenty third, nineteen eighty nine." December
twenty third? Oh no!! It's not fall, that's winter.
Mike: And that's a real school?
Jason: (Reading from the letter) "So, due to high enrollment we're forced to defer a certain
amount of freshman, until the winter semester."
Maggie: How dare they defer my brightest child?
Mike: I...I am in the room here.
Jason: We know that, Mike. Maggie, don't worry about it. It's only for one semester and it's
not the end of the world.
Mike: It's not what your brightest child said. If you want me out of here, just say the word.
Jason and Maggie: The word.
Mike: Alright, oh and look, by the way, if you're gonna go upstairs to cheer up Carol, I advise
you not to use words like, "reject", "loser" or "belly up." Kitchen, right.
Maggie: Poor Carol.
Jason: Honey, I think the important thing for Carol, is to understand here, is that this little
hitch here, is just one of those bumps in the rocky road of life, which over the long haul makes
us a better driver- confident we can handle our rig.
Maggie: Jason, I don't think Carol's gonna have any use for truck talk. What Carol needs is
good old-fashioned straight-talking logic, from a sensible parent. I'll talk to Carol. Why don't
you grab a cup o' Joe and gas up your rig.
Maggie: Carol, this is no time for emotion. You must force yourself to look at this analytically,
so just dry your eyes... They're dry!
Carol: You sound disappointed.
Maggie: Ye... I mean, no. I mean, with you being rejec...
Carol: Rejected. You can say it Mom, let's not run from it. I mean, it's time for good
old-fashioned, straight-forward logic, don't you think?
Maggie: Whi...which is why I want to remind you that you have been accepted to Columbia.
Carol: Which is no small achievement.
Maggie: Which is no small achievement.
Carol: Which is just one of those bumps in the rocky road of life, that'll make me a better
driver.
Maggie: Confident that you can handle your rig.
Carol: What rig?
Maggie: Sweetheart. What's important here is that you don't feel like a reject, and a loser who
went belly up. Not that anyone else is thinking that.
Carol: Mom, everything's gonna be fine.
Maggie: You're not just saying that?
Carol: Wait till you hear how I'm gonna spend the next three months! Matriculating at Alf
Landen Junior College. And I'll take a double course load, 'cause the work couldn't be very
challenging...Mike goes there. And that way, even if only half my As are transferable, I'm
doing just fine.
Maggie: So, you don't need me at all to...comfort you.
Carol: Oh Mom, is that why you came up here?
Maggie: Kind of.
Carol: Well, wanna lay on the bed and kick our feet like Debra Winger and Shirley McLean in
"Terms of Endearment"?
Maggie: No!...maybe just for a minute.
Ben: I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, Carol should be glad she's getting an extra
long summer vacation.
Jason: Well Ben, it all comes down to expectations. I mean, there's Carol, a straight A student,
and when she doesn't get welcomed, with open arms, to the college of her choice, well it's
surprising. Mike on the other hand; suppose Mike had been turned down by an Ivy League
college, well nobody would... Could you pass the mustard there.
Carol: Hello Seaver men...Mike.
Jason: Carol, I didn't expect to see you so bubbly.
Ben: Hell of a tub!
Carol: Well, what can I say? I'm resilient.
Jason: Well, I see you talked to her.
Carol: This is just part of my journey down life's rocky road.
Jason: I see my advice worked out.
Maggie: Really, I didn't use a word of it.
Jason: Yeah, right.
Carol: Mike, do you have the new Landen course catalogue?
Mike: Yeah. But I'm using it.
Carol: For what, to keep your table legs even?
Mike: Err...well why?
Carol: Well, I've decided to take some courses there this semester.
Mike: Yeah, right.
Carol: I'm serious Mike. You and I will both be matriculating at Alf Landen this fall.
Mike: Shh! Carol.
Carol: It means, going there.
Maggie: She's not kidding, Mike.
Jason: She's not? Carol, why would you go there? Mi...I'm sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to insult
your ????(703).
Mike: Aha.
Carol: It means, your school.
Mike: Oh. Oh!
Carol: Mike, don't worry. I'll only be there for a few months, and then you'll have your seven
or eight years there to yourself.
Mike: Well, I don't feel like having you matriculating all over my ????
Carol: Dad, I'll grant you I won't learn much, but I'll pile up some credits for next semester.
Jason: Well, that makes a lot of sense...as usual.
Ben: I just want someone to explain to me, how come after all those years of Mike doing
nothing and Carol working her...working hard, how they could both end up at the same school?
I mean, this isn't giving me much of an incentive.
Maggie: Well Ben, there really is a very simple answer, and it's one that...errm...your father
would be happy to explain.
Jason: Yes, well, I think that once again, this just comes down to expectations.
And...err...frankly I...err...wasn't expecting to answer this question. I think what your mother
wanted to say here, and she would have said it, if she had the thoughts...not...not...and she
thinks, and she thinks that there is a college for everyone. And Alf Landen is certainly a
great...you know...get ready for college, kind of college.
Mike: A "get ready for college, kind of college?!"
Jason: Mike, Mike, I'm not saying that it's not a real college; it is credited, it has free standing
buildings, but err...
