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If love really required an absence of even the most minor flaws, no one could possibly qualify for a relationship.
如果爱情真的需要完美无瑕，那么没有人有资格谈恋爱。
Yet in reality, we are love-worthy not because we are perfect, but because none of us ever can be.
而现实是，我们值得爱，不是因为我们完美无缺，而是因为我们一直都不完美。
In the defensive person's mind, a tiny comment is like the small rockfall that announces an avalanche.
在心理防卫强的人心中，一句小小的评论就像是导致雪崩的最后一块小石头。
There seems no way to trust that it really is just about how long pasta should be cooked, or the right way to make a bed; the underlying intention seems always to be to inflict a devastating wound on us and speed the entire relationship to a close.
他们似乎没有办法相信事情真的只是关于意大利面应该煮多长时间，或者应该怎样铺床；伴侣话中隐含的意图似乎总能给我们造成毁灭性的创伤，并加速整段关系的结束。
The defensive person has not had a chance to experience the robustness of love; how it is wholly possible to call someone the worst names in the lexicon and then, ten minutes later, to want to lie softly in their arms, tenderness having been renewed and reinvigorated by an opportunity to purge a given frustration.
心理防卫强的人还没有机会体会爱的坚固；他们不理解为何一个人很有可能称某人太过糟糕，然后在十分钟后，又想要温柔地躺在他怀里，因为有机会消除对方带来的挫败感，温柔能够重新焕发活力。
There can be ruptures - and then, repair.
一段关系可能会出现破裂——然后再进行修复。
True love is resilient; it's not destroyed by a detail but only ever by the way that a detail can't be acknowledged and processed.
真爱是坚韧的；它不会因为一个细节而崩溃，只会因为人无法正确地承认和处理这个细节而破碎。
Defensiveness can be outgrown.
心理防卫是可以克服的。
When searching for a partner, we need to look out for someone who can join us in the heroic quest to recognise and overcome defensiveness.
在寻找伴侣时，我们需要寻找这样的一个人：他要能够加入我们英勇的探索，理解并克服心理防卫。
We might even raise this ambition on an early date.
我们甚至可以在约会初期提出这个志向。
We might say 'I'd like one day to move to the country, learn Spanish and, maybe with a lover's help, get over my defensiveness...' That's what we might declare by way of introduction to our goals.
我们可以说，‘我希望有一天能搬到乡下去，学习西班牙语，也许在爱人的帮助下，克服我的心理防卫……。’我们可以通过这种方式在说明我们的目标时把这件事说出来。
We could frame the attempt to listen to criticism without fury or hurt as belonging to one of life's mightiest challenges.
我们可以把倾听批评的同时不感到愤怒或受伤当做生活中最艰巨的挑战之一。
Eventually, with a lot of effort, we could hope to reach a stage when a partner could point out with tact and humanity that we have bad breath or that our shoes don't match our top and, rather than reacting as we have grown up to do, we could simply turn to them, smile benignly and say what flawed human being should always respond with when another member of the species deigns to help them to grow into a better version of themselves: thank you.
最终，通过大量的努力，我们有望达到这样一个阶段：我们的伴侣能够以一种聪明而仁慈的方式指出我们口臭，或是我们的鞋子和上衣不搭配；而我们不会像长大时那样做出激烈的反应，而是简单地面对他们，亲切地微笑，说出一个有缺点的人类在另一个人帮助他成长为更好的自己时通常会说的话：谢谢。
