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If we had to make one generalisation about why relationships fail, it would be this: because people get defensive.
如果要我们概括一段关系失败的原因，那就是：因为人们的心理防卫越来越强。
Defensiveness is behind a predominant share of the failure of all relationships.
心理防卫过强是一切关系失败的主要原因。
The difficulty is that there is no way of escaping the sort of situations that can trigger defensiveness.
难点在于，我们无法避免可能触发心理防卫机制的种种情况。
However sweet and fascinating two people might initially be, it is inescapable that they will also with time, and the birth of true intimacy, stumble upon aspects of one another's characters that cannot help but generate difficulties and a degree of dismay.
无论两个人最初是多么柔情蜜意，随着时间的推移，以及真正的亲密关系的构建，他们不可避免地会在偶然之中发现对方性格的另一面，并不禁会因此而感到一定程度的沮丧和维系关系的艰难。
Each partner could be determined to be only kind, but the way that they shell an egg, leave the bathroom, deal with their suitcase on returning from a trip, handle the household keys or tell an anecdote will gradually unleash powerful degrees of frustration or puzzlement in those who have to share their lives.
每个伴侣在另一半心中都可能是纯粹善良的，但他们打鸡蛋、离开浴室、旅行回来后处理行李箱、放家门钥匙或讲述轶事的方式，会逐渐让那些不得不与他们分享生活的人感到强烈的挫败或困惑。
The problem starts when we, as partners, venture to air our responses.
当我们作为伴侣直言不讳地指出这些情况时，问题就出现了。
Our partners might get very angry or they might get very sad but the underlying message from them to us will be the same: being found in some way imperfect is entirely unacceptable and deeply contrary to the spirit of true love.
我们的伴侣可能会非常生气，也可能会非常难过，但他们想要告诉我们的隐藏信息是一样的：他们不能接受对方发现自己在某些方面不完美，这与真爱的精神完全背道而驰。
'Love me for who I am' is the fateful rallying cry of all lovers headed for difficulties; because it is in reality a monstrously unfair demand to be asked to be loved just as we are, given our panoply of inevitable faults, compulsions and immaturities.
“因为我是我而爱我”是所有迈向困难的情侣们宿命般的集结号；因为事实上，考虑到我们种种不可避免的错误、强迫性行为和不成熟，要求伴侣因为我们本来的样子爱我们是极其不公平的。
With a modicum of self-awareness and honesty, we should only ever expect to be loved for who we hope to be, for who we are at our best moments, for the good that is in us in a latent but not yet realised state.
我们应该自觉和诚实一点点，期待我们能因为自己想要成为的样子被爱，因为我们最好的时刻被爱，因为我们内心隐藏的、仍未实现的美好被爱。
The spirit of true love should require that whenever there is feedback, we turn gratefully to our partner and ask for more, that we continuously search to access a better version of ourselves, that we see love as a sort of classroom in which our lover can teach us one or two things about who we should become - rather than a burrow in which our existing errors can be endorsed and ratified.
真爱的精神应该是，只要存在反馈，我们就应该对伴侣满怀感激，并提出更多要求；应该是我们不断地寻找更好的自己；应该是把爱视为一个课堂，让我们的爱人教我们一两件事，告诉我们应该成为什么样的人——而不是把爱视为一个地洞，让我们的错误可以得到支持和认可。
A less-defended attitude isn't a random gift; We begin to become less defensive when we take on board some of the following ideas:
心理防卫弱并不是天生的；一旦我们接受下面的想法，我们的心理防卫就不会那么强：
Behind defensiveness, there is always a dread of being humiliated and abandoned.
在心理防卫的背后，是被羞辱和抛弃的恐惧。
But a decent partner, if we let them know what we're afraid, will be moved by our tender desperation and hasty fear.
但如果我们告诉另一半我们害怕什么，一个好的伴侣会为我们脆弱的绝望和仓皇的恐惧而感动。
And they should help us to see that what there is really to be afraid of now is not criticism, but an inability to accept its gentle manifestations with grace.
他们应该帮助我们明白，真正可怕的不是批评，而是无法优雅地接受温和的批评。
