Luke: Well, you took a shot.
Mike: Remember, Luke, 11:00.
Maggie: I forgot the tickets. Your father thinks my subconscious doesn't want to go to the theater. He's wrong; my subconscious wants to blow up the theater.
Mike: That's funny, mom. You'd better hurry!
Maggie: Mike, you trying to get rid of me?
Mike: No, no, no, that's ridiculous. Shake a leg!
[Motorcycle engine sounds]
Maggie: What's that?
Mike: What's what?
Luke: Let's roll!
Maggie: How could you let him go?
Mike: I couldn't stand to see him mad at me.
Jason: Oh, come on. Kids don't like discipline. Remember when you planted Ben to see if he'd grow? We punished you; you got angry with us.
Mike: No, I didn't.
Maggie: Oh, yes you did. You lined your father's shorts with Ben-Gay.
Mike: Oh, right. I forgot.
Jason: I never will.
Maggie: Neither will I.
Mike: What are you guys so worried about? He promised me he'd be home by 11:00.
Maggie: Well, he wasn't supposed to go out at all until you got involved.
Mike: Mom, you were tired of him breaking the rules, so I just gave him one that he could live with.
Maggie: What do you think, Mike, that these rules are arbitrary? That we just pull them out of a hat?
Mike: Well, I've never actually seen the hat.
Maggie: Ooh!
Jason: We're wasting our time. You will understand one day, Mike, when you have kids of your own.
Chrissy: I got it memorized. First card's square, then circle, then star, rectangle, triangle, wavy lines, red if you touch your ear, green if you pick your nose.
Ben: Touch my nose! You've got to remember, honey, this is really important.
Chrissy: I know...Sasha sweater super-nervous.
Ben: Chrissy, if we pull this off, I'll play tea-party with you every day this month.
Ben: Mr. Airheart, what a pleasure.
Airheart: Seaver, if this little demonstration of yours doesn't produce some quantifiable results, not only will you be barred from the field trip, you'll be lucky to get a passing grade in my class.
Ben: Mr. Airheart, we've had a rocky relationship.
Airheart: Hah!
Ben: Why don't we bury the hatchet?
Chrissy: Pleased to meet you Mr. Airhead.
Airheart: Hmm?
Ben: If you'll just sit over here, we'll begin.
Ben: Chrissy? You ready?
Chrissy: Square.
Ben: No, honey, we haven't started yet.
Chrissy: Circle.
Ben: Hey, what do you know! The first two are correct! Goosepimples, goosepimples.
Airheart: Excuse me, Carnac, but before you proceed, do you mind if I see those cards?
Ben: Sure.
Airheart: I promise I'll return them. (shuffling cards) Now you may begin.
Ben: Okay, Chrissy, I want you to make your mind a total blank.
Airheart: She's related to you; that shouldn't be difficult.
Ben: Now, Chrissy, I want you to guess what's on these cards. You have no idea how much I want you to guess what's on these cards.
Chrissy: A rectangle.
Ben: That's right!
Airheart: Huhn!
Ben: Okay.
Chrissy: A triangle.
Ben: How the heck! I mean, good girl.
Airheart: Can you see through this?
Chrissy: Nope! Let's go faster.
Chrissy: Diamond…star…square…circle…red circle…
Airheart: This, this, this is astonishing!
Ben: You're telling me! I mean, if she starts bending spoons, I'm outta here.
Airheart: Look, I don't know what you two are up to, but this has got to be some kind of a trick.
Ben: Sir, you shuffled the cards yourself.
Airheart: I, uh, I don't understand this.
Ben: Sir, I worked very hard on setting up this experiment. We both know I'm not a bad student, and I deserve a B. I also deserve to go on that field trip.
Airheart: Oh, why not. Why, I've never seen a student work so hard to get to the planetarium.
Ben: Astronomy is my life!
Airheart: Sasha Sorotski isn't so bad either.
Ben: Chrissy, you actually guessed what I was holding up?
Chrissy: Are you kidding? What do I look like, a mind-reader?
Ben: Well, then, what's the difference between this time and last time?
Chrissy: Last time I couldn't see the reflection in your glasses.
Ben: So, these tea parties; do I sit next to Mr. Teddybear, or by you?
Chrissy: By me.
[Later that night]
Mike: Ok, ok. 10:59, He'll be home by 11:00. Luke's a responsible kid. I can set my watch by the Luke-meister.
TV Announcer: It's 11:00, do you know where your children are?
Mike: Oh, that little two-faced twerp! What, does he think these rules are just arbitrary, like I pull them out of some hat?
TV Announcer: Two lanes of the Long Island Expressway have been temporarily closed, due to an overturned chicken truck. Guess you'd better steer clear. Offering biscuits and gravy.
Mike: Chickens! I'd hate to be caught in that mess.
[crash sounds, chickens, dream sequence]
Mike: How bad is it?
Nurse: Code F! Code F!
Mike: Well, what does that mean?
Doctor: I'll have to do a feather-ectomy. There's hope, he's a plucky little guy. Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
Doctor: Tweezers
Nurse: Tweezers.
Mike: Luke, Luke! Can you hear me? Are you all right?
Luke: (spitting) Is that you, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, yeah, it's me. I'm right here.
Luke: Why didn't you stop me from going to the party?
Doctor: I'm sorry, Mr. Seaver, but there's only one more thing I can do.
Mike: What is it?
Doctor: I'll have to call in a specialist. Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, doctor.
Doctor: Get Colonel Sanders on the phone.
Nurse: Colonel Sanders is dead, sir.
Doctor: Oh-oh!
Mike: Oh come on, what kind of trouble could he possibly get into? I mean, it's not like he's wild.
[dream sequence]
Pool Player: It's kinda late, Brower, shouldn't you be getting home?
Luke: (laughing) My guardian's the perfect sap! I've got him trained like a cocker spaniel.
Pool Player: (laughing) It's nice to have a pet.
Luke: Hey, bartender! Another round of root-beer floats! And leave the bottle!
Mike: I knew it! Gosh, mom was right! There's no telling what could happen after 11:00. He could run wild. He could break the law. He could take up a life of crime.
[dream sequence]
Priest: My son, do you have any last confessions?
Luke: I liked Ishtar.
Priest: That'll cost you. Is there anyone you'd like me to contact?
Luke: Call Mike Seaver. Thanks to him, I ran wild, broke curfew, and took up a life of crime. How come suddenly there's an echo?
Priest: We only use it on the important words. Well, the chair is waiting. Let's get cookin'. Sorry.
Mike: He liked Ishtar?
Mike: Luke, Luke! Do you have any idea what time it is?
Luke: Hey, I guess I blew it with that curfew thing, but at least I beat your parent home.
Mike: Hey, forget about my parents. You've got to answer to me.
Luke: Mike! Mike-ee! Mike-a-maniac!
Mike: Hey, don't you Mike-a-maniac me! You're grounded.
Luke: What?
Mike: For one month.
Luke: You're kidding!
Mike: No, I'm not kidding. Do you have any idea what you put me through tonight? I mean, I'm imagining that you're dead. Wondering if I'm ever gonna see you again.
Luke: Hey, I didn't do anything you haven't done a million times.
Mike: Well, that was different, Luke. I didn't do it to me; I did it to my parents. Now I know how they felt; they were just protecting me. Oh, whoa! Listen to me! Next thing you know, I'll be wearing white shoes and my belt up around my nipples.
Jason: That's it, Luke. You're grounded, and this time we mean business.
Maggie: Two weeks.
Mike: Hey, hey, I grounded him for a month.
Jason: A month? Isn't that a little severe?
Mike: Dad, please. Do not undermine me in front of the K-I-D. Now listen, mister, I want you to march up to your room, and think about what you've done. I'm serious. And wipe that look off your face.
Luke: Phew!
Maggie: Mike, don't you want to reconsider? You were a little rough on him.
Mike: You'll understand when you have kids.
[Two Weeks Later]
Maggie: Shh! Don't tell Mike, but I brought you up a little extra dessert.
Luke: Thanks!
Maggie: I'm still working on him to give you time off for good behavior.
Luke: Thanks!
Jason: Hi, Luke. Where's Mike?
Luke: Uh, I haven't seen him.
Jason: Good. So, uh, I know he said no more TV, but…
Luke: TV!
Jason: Shh! Just put it away. Put it away. I was never here.
Luke: Great, you're spying on me.
Mike: Luke, it's time you learned something from being grounded.
Luke: Boy, you don't let up. What, are you measuring the window for bars?
Mike: No! It's time you learned how to sneak out. Come on!
Luke: But this is your punishment.
Mike: I know. And if you say anything, you're grounded. Let's go!
Luke: Mike!