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Ben: Great Stinky, I'll meet you at the mall in twenty minutes. I'll be in women's underwear.
No, I didn't get permission yet, but don't worry, it's no sweat.
Mike: Benny, excuse me! Women's underwear!
Ben: What's that for? I'm not gonna be wearing it, I'm just gonna be in the women's
underwear department.
Mike: Oh, and that makes it OK!
Ben: Why do you keep hitting me? Come on, Mike, me and Stinky are just going down to the
mall to get our ears pierced in ladies' jewellery. Come on, a lot of guys get their ears pierced
now!
Mike: I know, I just like smacking you around.
Ben: Well, cut it out, I gotta stay cool for when I ask Mom for permission.
Mike: Mom! Benny look, you got a better shot at getting permission to wear women’s
underwear.
Ben: You think so!
Mike: Oh, Benny, the woman has no sense of humour. I mean, if you even ask her, she'll
probably wash something out with soap...your mouth, if you're lucky.
Ben: Na, na, see Mike, you don't get it. I don't wanna have to tell you this but...well, I am the
woman's favourite child, she told me so.
Mike: Oh, come on Benny, she tells every one of us that, and we're supposed to keep it some
big secret.
Ben: Oh no!
Mike: Look, I'll tell you my advice; ask Dad to get your ear pierced.
Jason: And he'll say yes.
Mike: Oh, not a shot. He'll say, son, is this really what you want? I think not.
Ben: Then, how is that better?
Mike: Because, for a long time you guys can discuss it, and as you discuss it, you can bring up
another couple of things that you want, like a leather jacket, or boots with metal toes on them
and then Dad will feel so bad about saying no to the earrings that he'll cave on that.
Ben: You've actually tried this? Errm...thanks for the advice, Mike, but I think I'll work my
magic with Mom.
Mike: I'm telling you...
Ben: Hello, Mother.
Maggie: Hi Benny, Mike.
Ben: Ah, me and Stinky are going down to the mall.
Maggie: Oh, fine.
Ben: Be back by dinner.
Maggie: Fine. Oh, there it is.
Ben: I'm gonna get my ear pierced, if that's OK?
Maggie: Fine.
Ben: Well Mike, I guess we know she was lying to one of us when she said he was here
favourite child.
Maggie: Get your ear pearled!
Ben: Ah, yeah.
Maggie: Right, Benny, in your dreams.
Ben: Mom, can't we at least discuss this?
Maggie: No we can't. I am not going to have a child of mine disfiguring his face for fashion.
Mike: That's what I told him.
Maggie: Mike, what do you have to do with this?
Mike: Well, I'm just trying to help, Mom. Look, if you need the kid smacked around a little bit,
I'm happy to serve!
Jason: Hello everybody, I'm...
Ben: Dad, will you tell Mom, it's just a small hole that can grow shut.
Jason: ...home.
Ben: Hey, all the other guys are getting 'em.
Maggie: And I suppose if all the other guys were wearing women's underwear you would too.
Mike: Welcome home Pop.
Jason: What's all this about?
Mike: Oh, the lad wants to get his lobe lanced.
Jason: His what?
Ben: My ear pearled. I mean if I don't have an ear ring, all the other guys are gonna think I'm
a sissy...and don't say I'd be disfiguring my face.
Jason: Oh, come on, Ben, would I say something ridiculous like that?
Maggie: Jason...
Jason: One second honey. Ben, we haven't discussed this.
Ben: Perfect, let's talk man to man in the kitchen.
Maggie: Jason...
Jason: Don't worry honey, I'll nip this in the bud...
Maggie: I mean to just jump in and take over like that, I was doing just fine.
Jason: Honey, I'm sorry, I was just err...
Maggie: Well, I know what you were doing and for the last five years it was your job to do it.
But I'm home now to deal with the kids' everyday problems and you're out there working, so
let me deal with the kids' everyday problems.
Jason: OK.
Maggie: OK.
Jason: Sorry, I didn't know you felt so strongly about it.
Maggie: Well, I do.
Jason: Fine.
Maggie: Fine.
Jason: I'm backing off.
Maggie: Good. Thanks.
Mike: Dad...
Jason: Mike, I know what you're gonna say...
Mike: No, look, Dad, I was just...
Jason: Save it, it's not what it looks like, OK? I am not whipped. I am simply empathizing with
your mother's position here; she wants me to step aside so she can do the parenting, and
that's very important for her own self-worth.
Mike: I was just gonna ask you to borrow some money.
Jason: I thought you wanted to talk... Ha ha.
Mike: Ha ha.
Jason: Ha ha.
Mike: So what do you say?
Jason: Na, na.
Maggie: Where do you get these ideas? From now on I am gonna have to keep a much closer
eye on your friends, your TV viewing habits, your record albums, and maybe I'll even monitor
a phone call or two. Ben, you've had too much freedom, and it's coming to a halt.
Ben: Is Dad coming in soon?
Maggie: No, Ben, I am handling this, not your father.
Ben: Yes, ma'am. And I was just telling Stinky how you're so understanding and your so much
better than Dad is.
Maggie: Don't try to con me... Really? No, no, Ben, getting an earring is just not something
I'm gonna allow you to do.
Ben: But you have your ears pearled, right?
Maggie: Yes, I do.
Ben: And so does Carol, right?
Maggie: Yes...
Ben: So, this is sexism.
Maggie: Sexism!
Ben: Yeah, it means making a decision...
Maggie: I know what it means, Ben. Nice try, but ah ah!
Ben: Well can I at least go down to the mall and tell Stinky, I'm not allowed.
Maggie: Stinky's already there!
Ben: Yeah, he's waiting for me in women's underwear.
Maggie: Fine, go tell him. But he'll be the first friend you won't be hanging around with any
more.
Ben: Alright.
Maggie: Women's underwear! I guess I should be glad he only wanted an earring.
Jason: So, how'd it go?
Maggie: Fine, it went just fine.
Jason: Oh, good, good.
Maggie: And you know exactly how it went, because you were eavesdropping on the stair.
Jason: Eavesdropping! Oh, Maggie, I have... I might have accidentally overheard a sentence
or two, but I wouldn't say it was eavesdropping.
Maggie: Right! So, go ahead.
Jason: Go ahead, what?
Maggie: Tell me how you would have handled it differently and far more effectively.
Jason: Well, since you asked, actually...hell, I would have handled it exactly the same as you
did.
Maggie: Really?
Jason: Absolutely...you know, pretty much.
Maggie: Pretty much!
Jason: Yeah. Well, I Mike:...might have...well just err...taken a slightly more different
approach.
Maggie: Like err...what?
Jason: Well, I think...
Maggie: No Jason, I don't even wanna hear it. I am fully capable of dealing with things like
this...as I did for years before I went to work and as I just did again.
Jason: Fine.
Maggie: Fine.
Jason: Being sensitive to your needs here, Maggie, I recognize that you want to get back into
that day-to-day parenting mode, without me, over your shoulder, second guessing you all the
time. Even though...you know, not all the things you do are...quite right.
Maggie: I see.
Jason: I don't mean that they're wrong, either Maggie, just err...
Maggie: Ah ha.
Jason: Boy, something smells good around here!
Maggie: Oh! I can't imagine why, I haven't started dinner yet.
Jason: No, that's my point; imagine how good it's gonna smell when you do.
Maggie: So, Stinky's not there either. Aha, well when Ben shows up, please send him home,
he was due back an hour ago. Yes, thank you Mrs. Sullivan. Don't say it.
Jason: What? I wasn't gonna say a word about how this is the first time I can remember Ben
being late for a meal.
Mike: Oh, Mom, I am starved, when’s dinner?
Maggie: After Ben gets home and I check his ears for holes, which I better not find, or he will
rue the day he was born.
Mike: Well can I get something to go? I'll wait. Hey, Dad, why are you smiling?
Jason: No, n...n...no I'm not smiling. I'm not. Yes, I'm smiling but it's just the love that I have
for all of you bubbling out.
Carol: Hi! Sorry I'm late for dinner.
Mike: You're not. Mom and Dad are fighting.
Jason and Maggie: We are not.
Mike: See.
Maggie: Carol, sit, we'll eat as soon as Ben gets back.
Carol: Back from where?
Mike: From not getting an earring.
Carol: An earring. Well Dad, I assume you nipped that in the bud.
Maggie: No, he didn't, I did. Not your father, me; the woman who bore you after eighteen
hours of labour.
Carol: Sorry, I just assumed that Dad jumped in and took over like he always does.
Jason: I certainly did not.
Mike: Yeah, Dad is just backing off, so that Mom doesn't feel like a failure.
Jason: What?
Mike: Hey, I didn't say it, you did.
Maggie: What?
Jason: Maggie, who are you gonna believe, your husband or this no account son?
Maggie: Go on, Mike.
Mike: Well, err...I just...ow!! All I know is that Dad is not whipped.
Carol: Well it's about time Dad backed off and let you handle some everyday kid problems.
Maggie: And this from our smartest child.
Carol: Well if Dad had backed off when Mike was Ben's age, maybe he wouldn't have grown
into the disgusting scuzz-ball he is today.
Mike: Alright, look, until I was fourteen years old, it was Mom who was at home with me, so if
anyone's responsible for me being a scuzz-ball it's this woman.
Carol: Errm...Mom, maybe you should let Dad handle this.
Jason: And this from our smartest child.
Mike: Why don't we just ask our most loveable child what they think of this whole earring deal,
OK?
Carol: I already told them.
Mike: I'm talking about me, Carol, and I just happen to agree with Mom to crush Ben like a
little bug, like he is.
Maggie: Why thank you, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, especially after what happened to Carol when she got her ears pearled.
Carol: What?
Mike: Oh, come on, don't you remember, Carol, when they made that little hole, the smell that
came out cleared the whole department store.
Ben: Hey everybody, sorry I'm late.
Maggie: OK Ben, inspection time. Ears please.
Ben: Just a joke, Mom.
Maggie: Well, it wasn't funny. No holes, good.
Ben: Mom, I told you I wouldn't get an earring so I didn't.
Maggie: Oh, good boy, go wash up for dinner.
Ben: Instead, I got a tattoo.
Maggie: A tattoo, a tattoo, you got a tattoo!
Ben: But it says, mother.
Maggie: I don't care what it says, Ben. Do you realise for the rest of your life you'll be walking
around with my name on your arm?
Ben: Well, we could add an S, and it would say, smother.
Maggie: Oh. Don't tempt me, Ben. How could you do this to your body? Do you realise that
when I was pregnant with you, I walked around for nine months and didn't have a single cup
of coffee so that your body would be perfect. Now look at you, I could have gone to Columbia
and sucked beans off trees.
Ben: You never said I couldn't get a tattoo.
Maggie: OK, fine, fine. Then let's go over all the other possibilities. You not stick Knives up you
nose, you may not gargle with razor blades, you may not drink water directly out of the toilet.
Ben: So, Mom, are you saying that this tattoo is a lot worse than a little hole in my ear?
Jason: No.
