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Professor Thorn: So, we have reached that magical time, the last drama project of the year.
Now, upon graduation from Landen, many of you will go on to pursue your theatre dreams in
Broadway, television, the cinema; or if you're really serious by becoming a waiter. This night of
scenes is an important opportunity for all of you to, as we say in show business, suck up.
Many of my New York heavy-weight theatre friends will be in attendance, so there's a lot more
riding on this evening than just a good grade...possibly a future.
(In Mike's imagination)
Professor Thorn: What can I say, he acts, he directs, he is theatre...Michael Seaver.
Mike: Well I always thought I was kind of good, but I didn't know I was this good. Kate, well
what are you doing here dressed like that?
Kate: It's your dream, you tell me.
Professor Thorn: And so after two weeks, we will show it to you...
Kate: Mike, stop smiling.
Mike: Oh, sorry, right, I was day dreaming about what could happen...and what you'd be
wearing when it did.
(Jason and Maggie are playing basketball)
Maggie: Alright...ooh...and in! And she scores again. It's not even a contest!
Jason: Yep, yep, yep. All in energy in the world out here, and when we get upstairs...zippo.
Maggie: Pardon me?
Jason: Nothing sweetheart.
Maggie: Oh, what was that score? I forgot.
Jason: The score...what's the point... The point is for us to get a little exercise, isn't it?
Maggie: Uh hu, that's why you are losing. Thirteen months younger and he folds like a tent.
Kate: You cheated!
Mike: I did not.
Kate: Let me see the coin.
Mike: Hey, look, I won the toss fair and square...
Jason: Remember what you and I used to flip coins over?
Maggie: Oh, do I! You always called pence.
Jason: I still do.
Mike: Look Kate, you're just being a sore loser.
Kate: Oh, yeah!
Mike: Fair is fair, Kate!
Kate: Fair is fair, Kate! Fair is fair, Kate!
Jason: Mike, Mike, you don't even try to explain when they're in a mood like that.
Maggie: They!
Jason: Not you honey. I'm talking about young women. No, I meant women without...
Maggie: Do you really wanna finish this sentence?
Jason: Na.
Maggie: OK, what's the deal, Mike?
Mike: Oh, don't worry guys. It was just a professional disagreement. I mean, see, Kate and I
are both directing scenes for drama class, and we both want the same actress.
Jason: Oh, Kate's jealous, huh?
Mike: No Dad, I told you, this is professional. Don't you know anything about modern women?
Jason: Well...
Maggie: No he doesn't. What's so special about this actress?
Mike: Well, see, she's done sit-coms, and she's done real plays. Oh and Dad, OK, you know
that commercial, with the girl and chimpanzee and they shave her legs?
Jason: Yes.
Mike: Yes. She takes classes at Landen.
Jason: The chimp or the actress?
Mike: The actress! See, I don't want to blow my shot in front of these important New York
theatre people. I mean when I come to work for them, I want them to remember me as the
guy who acts, who directs, who is theatre.
Maggie: You risked all this on the flip of a coin!
Mike: What risk? I used a two headed coin.
Maggie: Mike, where did you get a two headed coin.
Mike: I borrowed it from Dad.
Jason: Ah, you can keep it, Mike. I won't be using it tonight.
Mike: Hi. I...I'm Mike Seaver.
Courtney: Oh? Hello, I'm...
Mike: Courtney Preston. I know you from the chimp commercial.
Courtney: Oh, God, are they still running that awful thing?
Mike: Yeah. And when they stop, I got it on tape.
Courtney: I'm surprised you remembered me, after all Zippy got the close-up.
Mike: Oh, hey, that's only 'cause they shaved him.
Courtney: Oh, you're very kind.
Mike: Oh, here have a seat. I'm gonna ask you something. See, I'm a directing this little scene
for the big drama festival, and I was wondering like, if you weren't in a movie or something,
maybe you could be in it.
Courtney: Oh, Mike, I'd love to...
Mike: Great! Great, so I'll meet you tomorrow at...
Courtney: ...But I can't.
Mike: Why?
Courtney: I was asked to be in another scene really early this morning. The director's name is
Kate Mc...
Mike: McDonnell? Kate McDonnell! I don't believe this! I won you fair and square in that coin
toss.
Courtney: Are you a Kennedy?
Mike: No.
Courtney: Well, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry Mike, but good luck with your play anyway.
Mike: Oh, thanks.
Courtney: You're doing a scene from Night of the Iguana? You're doing Tennessee Williams!
Mike: Well yeah...
Courtney: I have been dying to do something by Williams!
Mike: Oh, great, well then do it.
Courtney: But what do I tell Kate?
Mike: Tell Kate, she's a dirty, double-crossing, back-stabbing.... It doesn't matter if she's got
great eyes, beautiful hair and a killer body.
Mike: Morning everybody and welcome to Night of the...Iguana. OK, before we start, I just
wanna say a couple of things. First, thank you all for coming, especially you Courtney.
Courtney: Oh, Mike, come on.
Mike: Everyone have a seat and we'll read through the scene, OK? (In Mike's head) With lights
down we can hear the surf. It's a quiet evening in Mexico, but passions run deep. Oh, she is so
bad. Man, is she bad? And she's done sit-coms! Well I be none of the ones on ABC.
Courtney: Mike! Mike! That's the end of the scene. Do you wanna run it again from the top?
Mike: Err...No. (In his head) One more word and I'll shoot myself. (Spoken) I think everyone's
worked pretty hard for the first day, so I'll see everybody tomorrow.
Courtney: Do you have any notes you want me to think about for tomorrow.
Mike: (In his head) Yeah, don't come back. (Spoken) No, no, no, I think it's going pretty good.
Courtney: 'Cause if you have concerns, don't hesitate to speak up.
Mike: (In his head) You stink, like a dead mackerel. (Spoken) No, I got nothing to say.
Courtney: OK, see you tomorrow.
Mike: OK, bye bye. (In his head) I wonder if that chimp is available.
Kate: Oh, excuse me.
Courtney: Oh, Kate, listen, I hope Mike explained to you how bad I felt about not doing your
scene.
Kate: Don't give it a thought. I've been rehearsing in the room next door, and everything's
going great.
Courtney: That makes me feel better. Goodnight you guys.
Mike: Good night. Oh, Kate, I have made a terrible mistake.
Kate: You bet you have. You stole her from me, after I stole her from you fair and square you
weasel.
Mike: Kate, she stinks!
Kate: She what?
Mike: She spent eight hours playing Night of the Iguana...and the Iguana won.
Kate: Get out of here.
Mike: I'm serious. You know, whoever comes to see this play is gonna think that I am in the
wrong business.
Kate: Mike, Courtney's a professional, for goodness' sake.
Mike: Well I just hope Tennessee Williams doesn't come to this production.
Kate: Mike, he's dead.
Mike: Then he's a lucky man.
Kate: Look ,it's the first day of rehearsal, maybe she's just holding back.
Mike: Yeah, well I hope she never lets it go.
Kate: So, she stinks, huh?
Mike: Big time! Fine, you can laugh all you want Kate, but I've got to fire her.
Kate: Mike, how can she be that bad and not know it?
Mike: I don't know. Wait a minute...wait a minute, that's a great idea! OK, I'll let her do the
preview performance, she'll get booed off the stage and she'll quit...and then I'll have a week
to replace her before the big show.
Kate: Isn't that kind of gutless.
Mike: Yeah, you're right, I should just fire her. OK, I'll tell you what I'll do; I'll flip a coin, right?
Tails I fire her, heads I'm gutless. Kate, you look, I'm too nervous.
Kate: Tails.
Mike: What?
Kate: No, it's heads. Just like the other side.
Mike: (In his head) Yes! Yes! She's stinking up the joint. She's history, she'll realise and quit.
She's related to all those people, that's the only explanation.
Kate: I suppose I should blame myself for trusting a guy with a two-headed coin.
Mike: What are you talking about?
Kate: Oh, Kate, she's terrible. She played Night of the Iguana, and the iguana won.
Mike: What, you thought she was good?
Kate: Yes.
Mike: This has got to be a dream. Wait a minute, this can't be a dream, you've got all your
clothes on.
Kate: If what that girl did out there tonight is your idea of terrible, you have no place
anywhere near a stage.
Courtney: Oh, Mike, they loved it! Congratulations!
Mike: Um...you had doubts?
Maggie: Oh, Mike, you can act, you can direct, you can do it all!
Jason: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's my boy!
Ben: Wow!
Mike: Hey, don't tell me you liked Courtney too.
Ben: My butt didn't go numb once!
Mike: OK, so, Mom, Dad, you can tell me; don't you think I had one major problem out there?
Jason: I don't know. All I could see was Courtney!
Maggie: Excuse us honey, we wanna go congratulate her too.
Mike: (In his head) Maybe I have no business near a stage.
