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点评：
1 两个名词短语之间要有连接词，比如and。
2 整个句子表达很中式，不地道。
修改：Phones and computers could wipe out /erase geographical barriers。
More specifically, they are faster than regular mails。
点评：论证和论点没有关系啊，这个论据是说明效率高，而不是在论证手机让世界变得近。
修改：More specifically, a student in China, thanks to phone calls, is able to communicate with his friends in other countries, such as Australia and Canada within seconds。
Besides, it takes people a great deal of time to write a letter。
点评：这一段的论述主题是电话电脑的优点，建议不要绕着写”信”的缺点。
修改：Besides, phones may save the public more time compared with traditional letters。
Apparently, nowadays, a considerable proportion of people have to work day in and day out to support themselves and even their their family. Undeniably, fast-paced life put great burden on individuals, 1hence, compared with 2letter, a phone call or a E-mail may be less time-consuming and more suitable for individuals。
问题：
1 hence 是副词，不能连接两个完整的句子。建议把hence前面的逗号改成句号。
2 letter 是可数名词，改成letters 或者a letter。
3论点和论证之间的关系不是非常紧密。观点是电话省时，论证说大家工作压力大，略显晦涩了。比较可行的论证是用对比法，体现出写信花时间长，打电话email时间短。
修改：
In this competitive society, it is no exaggeration that time equals money. It is hard to imagine spending two days writing a letter, one day sending a letter, and more days receiving a letter. In contrast, phones and emails hardly fail to convey ideas clearly and efficiently。
内部总结：问题很典型，词汇不过关，语法有问题，论证存在跳跃性思维。
