In the past, if they couldn't agree on a game's direction, I would try to help, only to make it worse: I was a reality-TV host, watching helplessly as my contestants swapped insults at a show reunion. When Mom is there to listen, they turn defensive and mean; when I say, "Figure it out," they do. I know I'm lucky they have each other to play with, and so I've taught myself to hold back. I tell myself they're learning about compromise and boundaries. As am I. I'm distracted by work (and life). I have a bad temper. I can be critical. And I don't like to play, especially pretend, or anything with dolls or figures, or any games that ask me to hide or wield a Nerf gun. My motto is "Moms don't play." (The other context also applies: I do not play.) Our third child joined the family with this system in place, and he is, as most third children are, remarkably independent.
以前，如果他们不能就游戏的方向达成一致，我会尝试帮助他们，但这只会让事情变得更糟：我就像一名真人秀主持人，无助地看着参赛者在节目重聚时互相辱骂。妈妈在场倾听时，他们会变得戒备且刻薄；当我说“解决”，他们会照做。我知道我很幸运，因为他们两个可以一起玩，所以我学会了克制。我告诉自己，他们正在学习妥协和界限。我也是。工作（和生活）令我分心。我脾气不好。我可能很挑剔。我不喜欢玩娃娃或玩偶或任何让我藏起来或挥舞玩具枪的游戏，尤其不喜欢假装玩。我的座右铭是“妈妈不玩”。（另一句话也适用：我不玩。）我们的第三个孩子加入了实行这种制度的家庭，他和大多数第三个孩子一样，非常独立。
I can't say that my approach is right for everyone. I know that it resonates for me in part because of how I was raised. I have no memories of my parents playing with me. I can remember reading together and their swimming with me in the ocean, but they weren't involved in the fashion shows I filmed with my sisters, and they didn't help me make my magazine, Kid Stuff, either. Not once did they dine at my fictional restaurant.
我不能说我的方法适合所有人。我知道这在一定程度上与我的成长经历有关。我没有自已与父母一起玩的记忆。我记得他们和我一起读书，一起在海里游泳，但是他们没有参与我和姐妹们拍摄的时装秀，他们也没有帮我做杂志，或是其他适合孩子玩的游戏。他们从未在我虚构的餐厅里吃过饭。
This isn't a complaint; it's gratitude. They may not be a part of these memories, but they weren't absent either. They were on the edges — there but not there. My parents allowed me private worlds of my own creation, and they respected them. I imagine they felt the same joy I do when I watch my children playing without me; my daughter opens a bakery as her older brother bounces on a giant rubber ball. The baby fills his garbage truck with blocks. Each of us enters his or her own separate sphere. This, I've realized, is my favorite part of mothering. My looking away and then observing.
这不是抱怨；而是感恩。他们可能不是这些记忆的一部分，但他们也没有缺席。他们在边缘——既在又不在。我父母允许我拥有自己创造的私人世界，他们尊重我。我看着孩子们在没有我的情况下玩耍时会感到快乐，我想我的父母当时也和我一样快乐；我女儿开了一家面包店，她的哥哥在一个巨大的橡胶球上弹跳。婴儿则用积木装满了他的垃圾车。我们每个人都进入了自己独自的领域。我意识到，这是我做母亲最喜欢的部分。我把目光移开，然后观察。
When my kids and I stop doing our own things and come together, it's because we want to. The activities we do together offer all of us pleasure; we opt in and because of this, we actually have fun. I may not play, but I'm goofy and affectionate, and I love to talk about feelings. I love to teach too: how to count, how to read, how to make guacamole. It feels good to be with my kids in these specific ways, and to let myself be there. It took some time, but I've realized I can't be every kind of mother. I can only be one. I can only be theirs.
我和孩子们停止做自己的事情，聚在一起时，那是因为我们想这样做。我们一起做的活动给我们所有人带来快乐；我们选择加入其中，正因为如此，我们会很开心。我可能不会玩，但我滑稽又亲切，我喜欢谈论感受。我也喜欢教学：比如如何数数，如何阅读，如何做鳄梨酱等。用这些特别的方式和我的孩子在一起并让自已身处其中感觉很好。虽然这花了一些时间，但我意识到我不能成为每一种母亲。我只能是一种母亲。我只能是他们的母亲。
译文由可可原创，仅供学习交流使用，未经许可请勿转载。
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